I defintely have a case of wanderlust. Every few months I get feeling a bit restless, and I want to travel or move somewhere. I guess that's why I moved to New Orleans after graduating high school, and I guess that's why I chose to study about in Madrid, among several other reasons. I feel a bit of nostaglia about the old places I've lived, even though I know they have changed a lot. Maybe that's why I don't have much interest in going back.
Recently, I've been thinking about moving out west after I graduate. I don't know why, but it just seems like the region is very fresh and pulsating with ideas. California, Oregon, Washington...maybe Arizona. Seattle has been particularly appealing, though. I wouldn't be opposed to the East Coast though, but DC appeals to me more than say, Boston or NYC.
I think it's a bit funny though, as much as I want to travel and move, sometimes I'm annoyed about how I don't have a permanent home. Somewhere where I can buy furniture and stuff, without wondering how I can transport it when I move next. My stuff is 1/2 split in Rochester and New Orleans right now, it'll be nice when I graduate to get it all in one location. Maybe the ideal job for me would be one where I travel a lot for business.
Showing posts with label nostalgia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nostalgia. Show all posts
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Sean and Aaron in Green
My grandma just sent me this in an email.....man it takes me back. Life was once a simpler time.
A picture of me and my brother in Chicago, obviously I am the one on the right. This picture really blows me away...I find Sean's face hilarious, the bunny ears (back when they were funny) and my giant head.
A picture of me and my brother in Chicago, obviously I am the one on the right. This picture really blows me away...I find Sean's face hilarious, the bunny ears (back when they were funny) and my giant head.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
A Look Back and Forward at Computers-
I remember my earlier experiences with computers. As I entered elementary school, the old Macs were being replaced by shiny new boxes that had Windows 98. I remember disliking the Macs because they were ugly, both the OS and the box, and the GUI was quite different than the Windows OS I was acustomed to back home. (Oh, how Mac's have changed) I think around 4th grade came the time when Internet Explorer really started to replace Netscape Navigator, and it was confusing. Schools are reluctant to switch software, mostly because they don't want to bother teaching or learning new software, but Microsoft was (illegally) squeezing out Netscape, so we had to anyways. Most computers had both programs and bookmarks and saved information was haphazardly saved. I remember the crappy library-teaching sessions we had, up into high school. I don't know if I was good with computers at a young age, but the programs seemed pretty easy to learn.
So I've been into computers for most of my life, I remember the first computer we had that I actually used was an HP. 133mhz pentium processor, 64mb ram, a CD drive (!!) and most impressively, 2gb of hard drive space! I was psyched, I could play Lords of Magic and Heroes3 on it. (kind of) After a few loyal years of service, the computer crapped out, conveniently just before the warranty ended, so I went with my dad to CompUSA to see if we could get the old computer repaired. I was probably around 10 at this point, and my older brother (in high school) said "If you come back with a cd-burner, I'll give you ten bucks." They couldn't fix it, so they gave us a free computer which happened to have a burner. He was so surprised, he had no money and ended giving me something like a coupon for a free frosty at Wendy's which I probably never used. This computer was a beauty, 533mhz processor, 128mb RAM, and to top it off, a 4x CD burner! This was our first non-Pentium processor, a Celeron, which became synonymous in my head for cheap-yet-semi-functional, along with names like Ford and GM.
We prolonged the life of this computer, probably too long, with hard drive replacements, added RAM, and other measures. It lasted about 3 years, until 2002 or so, when we bought a Dell. My father, who enjoys destroying things, took a hammer to the old computer of which I videotaped with my HP Photosmart digital camera. I can't remember the exact specs of the Dell, but I could call my family and check because it's still in use by my younger sisters. 1.6ghz P4 I believe, 256mb RAM (later expanded to 768mb) and a 16X-cd burner. Later added was RAM, a video card, (GeForceFX5200) a new ethernet card (lightning storm) and a DVD-burner.(courtesy of my brother around 2005) It's still running, albeit quite slow, it is badly in need of a reformat which won't happen for various reasons I won't get into.
In March 2006, in anticipation of my freshman year at Tulane University, my parents bought me a nice Dell laptop. 1.8ghz Pentium M, wifi, gig of RAM, dvd-burner, very nice overall. Great battery life (9-cell) and I can't complain about anything except Dell's mediocre design. Here at the IT recruiting firm I work at, I have an IBM Thinkpad, and their reputation is well deserved. It's light, efficient, and built well, if it wasn't for the price I would probably buy one as my next computer.
Since I was a young kid, I've been using Microsoft's operating systems because of their ubiquitous usage. I used 95, 98, XP, (avoided ME) and have dabbled in Vista. Being big into computers, I was often told to try out this strange operating system named Linux, or GNU/Linux depending on which side of the flamewar you're on. My first experience was Knoppix in late 2003, I loaded it up, thought it was neat, and that was the end of that. In 2004, my brother and I installed Debian Woody onto our old Dell. It took some configuration, it was difficult to get running, I never invested much time in it, and so it was unused. Eventually after several months I just wiped the partition it was on and used it as storage space for my media.
Until late 2006, I didn't really do much with Linux. I used a bunch of FOSS tools on Windows, Firefox, OpenOffice, Gaim, mostly the more popular ones. My usage of Linux and FOSS in general isn't really principled, it makes sense to include the code with a program but since my computer background is in learning-by-doing and computer usage as opposed to coding, it's not terribly important to me. I used FOSS moreso because I disapprove of Microsoft's tactics, and most importantly, because the programs were better than their proprietary counterpart.
In December '06, I installed Ubuntu on my computer with an old disk a friend had gave me. It turned out to be Hoary Hedgehog, a fairly outdated version of Ubuntu. (the second release ever) So I upgrade to Edgy Eft, 6.10. Ubuntu has made huge progress in the last few years as it recognized all of my devices with no configuration. (even had wifi work out-of-the-box) One of the most impressive things about Edgy is it's live-cd installer. Not only do you only need one disk, but you can try out Ubuntu and install it, all while browsing the internet and chatting online with friends. Even better, it can successfully repartition drives without wiping the data. (to carve out a partition for Ubuntu from Windows)
Since December '06, I have almost exclusively used Ubuntu. There is virtually no task I cannot do on Ubuntu (better, generally) that Windows has, and it is unbelievably customizable. (Gentoo and Debian users will probably scream at that statement, but coming from a Windows user, it's true) I since installed Beryl/XGL to do cool desktop effects, the FGLRX drivers to play UT2k4, SC, Heroes 3. (all which run flawlessly on Linux) In April, Ubuntu released another version. There was not a huge difference between Edgy and Feisty, but what impressed me most about it was how simple and smooth upgrading your OS could be! It took about 45minutes, I could use my computer the whole time, and obviously kept all my settings and data.
I joined the IT/recruiting firm I currently work for in May 2007 and was issued a laptop for my job. Not surprisingly, it is running Windows XP Professional. It is now, coming back to Windows (for work only of course) that I have really realized how superior Ubuntu is to Windows. It's so much better to run programs just by hitting Alt-F2 and typing the name in. Ubuntu's Beagle, a desktop search built into the OS, simplifies things immensely so I don't have to browse through folders to find a document. The look and feel of Ubuntu is better. Many programs are better. Probably the best FOSS program in the world (compared to the Windows/Mac equivalent) is Amarok. Simply amazing, it can put/take music to iPods, it has a great search (like iTunes only not a memory hog) a built-in music store, built-in lyrics, last.fm submitter, it is just simply an amazing program. I occasionally listen to music at work and iTunes (and certainly WMP) comes nowhere near its' quality.
I recommend Ubuntu to everyone I know. It is the distro for the commoner, user-friendly, simple, yet powerful. It has a great balance of GUI and command-line, you can do virtually anything either way. The GUI-package management system (Synaptic) makes it easy for people to click and install programs, with no hassle. It's NTFS-3g driver allows you to read/write to your Windows partition flawlessly, (if you have a dualboot) the codecs install quickly and painlessly. The amount of programs offered are more than anyone would ever need. Its' customizability makes it easy to gear it specifically for you, for example, it is easy to install KDE, Gnome, XFCE, or Fluxbox on one PC.
Ubuntu is an amazing Operating System, one I imagine I will be using for many years. There are a few flaws in it that I will point out, however, because I think it's important to discuss pros and cons. First, ATI cards do not work perfectly out-of-the-box. A small percentage cannot load the normal LiveCD, and most can't run both 3D hardware acceleration as well as composite rendering simultaenously, but you can run each separately. (Beryl+UT2k4=no) The wifi support is amazing (Network-manager was a great add), but a small percentage of cards are not supported immediately. (Broadcom) I haven't found a single USB-device that wasn't supported yet, but I imagine there are a few out there. Eventually I think all these kinks will be worked out, ATI announced plans to opensource their drivers (pushed by AMD no doubt) which will allow for full support, and with Dell selling Ubuntu I'm sure they will add support for all wifi cards.
I'm not going to rip on Windows because it's all too easy, just Google "Windows Sucks" and I'm sure you'll find a host of reasons. I will say I have very little interest in Vista (my short experience with it I was unimpressed) and have no intention of using Microsoft Windows for a long time. I don't find Microsoft evil, they just put out a poor product.
It's amazing to see how powerful and useful computers have come in my short lifetime, and I'm sure we have not stopped. A decade ago having 1GB of hard drive space was very good. Today, I have a 1GB flash card and a 4GB SD card bought for about $20 a piece. My old computer had a 133mhz processor, today's are more than 20x that, and that's not including dual and quad-core processors. I'm glad I grew up when I did, I think I really caught the computer revolution in its' prime stages and it's interesting to look back at. A decade ago sitting on my bed watching a DVD while chatting with friends online via wifi was a dream. Today, my younger sisters take that for granted. It will be interesting to see what the future holds for computers and technology, I for one can't wait.
So I've been into computers for most of my life, I remember the first computer we had that I actually used was an HP. 133mhz pentium processor, 64mb ram, a CD drive (!!) and most impressively, 2gb of hard drive space! I was psyched, I could play Lords of Magic and Heroes3 on it. (kind of) After a few loyal years of service, the computer crapped out, conveniently just before the warranty ended, so I went with my dad to CompUSA to see if we could get the old computer repaired. I was probably around 10 at this point, and my older brother (in high school) said "If you come back with a cd-burner, I'll give you ten bucks." They couldn't fix it, so they gave us a free computer which happened to have a burner. He was so surprised, he had no money and ended giving me something like a coupon for a free frosty at Wendy's which I probably never used. This computer was a beauty, 533mhz processor, 128mb RAM, and to top it off, a 4x CD burner! This was our first non-Pentium processor, a Celeron, which became synonymous in my head for cheap-yet-semi-functional, along with names like Ford and GM.
We prolonged the life of this computer, probably too long, with hard drive replacements, added RAM, and other measures. It lasted about 3 years, until 2002 or so, when we bought a Dell. My father, who enjoys destroying things, took a hammer to the old computer of which I videotaped with my HP Photosmart digital camera. I can't remember the exact specs of the Dell, but I could call my family and check because it's still in use by my younger sisters. 1.6ghz P4 I believe, 256mb RAM (later expanded to 768mb) and a 16X-cd burner. Later added was RAM, a video card, (GeForceFX5200) a new ethernet card (lightning storm) and a DVD-burner.(courtesy of my brother around 2005) It's still running, albeit quite slow, it is badly in need of a reformat which won't happen for various reasons I won't get into.
In March 2006, in anticipation of my freshman year at Tulane University, my parents bought me a nice Dell laptop. 1.8ghz Pentium M, wifi, gig of RAM, dvd-burner, very nice overall. Great battery life (9-cell) and I can't complain about anything except Dell's mediocre design. Here at the IT recruiting firm I work at, I have an IBM Thinkpad, and their reputation is well deserved. It's light, efficient, and built well, if it wasn't for the price I would probably buy one as my next computer.
Since I was a young kid, I've been using Microsoft's operating systems because of their ubiquitous usage. I used 95, 98, XP, (avoided ME) and have dabbled in Vista. Being big into computers, I was often told to try out this strange operating system named Linux, or GNU/Linux depending on which side of the flamewar you're on. My first experience was Knoppix in late 2003, I loaded it up, thought it was neat, and that was the end of that. In 2004, my brother and I installed Debian Woody onto our old Dell. It took some configuration, it was difficult to get running, I never invested much time in it, and so it was unused. Eventually after several months I just wiped the partition it was on and used it as storage space for my media.
Until late 2006, I didn't really do much with Linux. I used a bunch of FOSS tools on Windows, Firefox, OpenOffice, Gaim, mostly the more popular ones. My usage of Linux and FOSS in general isn't really principled, it makes sense to include the code with a program but since my computer background is in learning-by-doing and computer usage as opposed to coding, it's not terribly important to me. I used FOSS moreso because I disapprove of Microsoft's tactics, and most importantly, because the programs were better than their proprietary counterpart.
In December '06, I installed Ubuntu on my computer with an old disk a friend had gave me. It turned out to be Hoary Hedgehog, a fairly outdated version of Ubuntu. (the second release ever) So I upgrade to Edgy Eft, 6.10. Ubuntu has made huge progress in the last few years as it recognized all of my devices with no configuration. (even had wifi work out-of-the-box) One of the most impressive things about Edgy is it's live-cd installer. Not only do you only need one disk, but you can try out Ubuntu and install it, all while browsing the internet and chatting online with friends. Even better, it can successfully repartition drives without wiping the data. (to carve out a partition for Ubuntu from Windows)
Since December '06, I have almost exclusively used Ubuntu. There is virtually no task I cannot do on Ubuntu (better, generally) that Windows has, and it is unbelievably customizable. (Gentoo and Debian users will probably scream at that statement, but coming from a Windows user, it's true) I since installed Beryl/XGL to do cool desktop effects, the FGLRX drivers to play UT2k4, SC, Heroes 3. (all which run flawlessly on Linux) In April, Ubuntu released another version. There was not a huge difference between Edgy and Feisty, but what impressed me most about it was how simple and smooth upgrading your OS could be! It took about 45minutes, I could use my computer the whole time, and obviously kept all my settings and data.
I joined the IT/recruiting firm I currently work for in May 2007 and was issued a laptop for my job. Not surprisingly, it is running Windows XP Professional. It is now, coming back to Windows (for work only of course) that I have really realized how superior Ubuntu is to Windows. It's so much better to run programs just by hitting Alt-F2 and typing the name in. Ubuntu's Beagle, a desktop search built into the OS, simplifies things immensely so I don't have to browse through folders to find a document. The look and feel of Ubuntu is better. Many programs are better. Probably the best FOSS program in the world (compared to the Windows/Mac equivalent) is Amarok. Simply amazing, it can put/take music to iPods, it has a great search (like iTunes only not a memory hog) a built-in music store, built-in lyrics, last.fm submitter, it is just simply an amazing program. I occasionally listen to music at work and iTunes (and certainly WMP) comes nowhere near its' quality.
I recommend Ubuntu to everyone I know. It is the distro for the commoner, user-friendly, simple, yet powerful. It has a great balance of GUI and command-line, you can do virtually anything either way. The GUI-package management system (Synaptic) makes it easy for people to click and install programs, with no hassle. It's NTFS-3g driver allows you to read/write to your Windows partition flawlessly, (if you have a dualboot) the codecs install quickly and painlessly. The amount of programs offered are more than anyone would ever need. Its' customizability makes it easy to gear it specifically for you, for example, it is easy to install KDE, Gnome, XFCE, or Fluxbox on one PC.
Ubuntu is an amazing Operating System, one I imagine I will be using for many years. There are a few flaws in it that I will point out, however, because I think it's important to discuss pros and cons. First, ATI cards do not work perfectly out-of-the-box. A small percentage cannot load the normal LiveCD, and most can't run both 3D hardware acceleration as well as composite rendering simultaenously, but you can run each separately. (Beryl+UT2k4=no) The wifi support is amazing (Network-manager was a great add), but a small percentage of cards are not supported immediately. (Broadcom) I haven't found a single USB-device that wasn't supported yet, but I imagine there are a few out there. Eventually I think all these kinks will be worked out, ATI announced plans to opensource their drivers (pushed by AMD no doubt) which will allow for full support, and with Dell selling Ubuntu I'm sure they will add support for all wifi cards.
I'm not going to rip on Windows because it's all too easy, just Google "Windows Sucks" and I'm sure you'll find a host of reasons. I will say I have very little interest in Vista (my short experience with it I was unimpressed) and have no intention of using Microsoft Windows for a long time. I don't find Microsoft evil, they just put out a poor product.
It's amazing to see how powerful and useful computers have come in my short lifetime, and I'm sure we have not stopped. A decade ago having 1GB of hard drive space was very good. Today, I have a 1GB flash card and a 4GB SD card bought for about $20 a piece. My old computer had a 133mhz processor, today's are more than 20x that, and that's not including dual and quad-core processors. I'm glad I grew up when I did, I think I really caught the computer revolution in its' prime stages and it's interesting to look back at. A decade ago sitting on my bed watching a DVD while chatting with friends online via wifi was a dream. Today, my younger sisters take that for granted. It will be interesting to see what the future holds for computers and technology, I for one can't wait.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Reflections on Cancer
Having cancer was truly a life-altering existance. I remember when I first had visible signs of it, it was a large lump on my neck, in early March. Big one. I remember it showed up overnight and my mom was kinda concerned. At school my friends joked about it, and I went to the doctors. He said it was probably mono(nucleosis) and he ran a blood test. That was the first needle of probably hundreds.
I went to Boston on break, and the tests came back negative. They were kinda surprised, and so they decided to run some CAT/CT scans, MRI, etc. I was supposed to talk to my doctor 2 weeks later if it hadn't gone away. It ended up being 6 weeks later that we called him. It wasn't because of neglect, my family was just very busy.
So I got the scans and my first surgery, a biopsy, and I remember I was out of school a decent bit, just for the scans. I remember my good friend JD let me borrow some games that I could play. I vividly remember one night, playing 007 with my brother, when my parents called me upstairs. They were obviously distressed. It only meant one thing, and I already knew, by the tone of their voice.
"I have cancer, don't I." I asked.
They were both a bit teary and nodded.
"Damnit." I responded. I didn't think about it, went downstairs, and kept on playing 007 with my brother.
Telling people at school was interesting. Most of them laughed and told me that telling people I had cancer was a really cruel joke. When my teacher's told them it was true, they didn't talk to me for a while.
I was out for quite a while, talking to a oncologist (cancer-doctor) about what the "plan of action" would be. First, I would get a broviac, a tube coming out of my chest that connected to the main artery/vein(?), the Aorta. I still have it.
I started chemotherapy literally, as soon as I was out of the OR. I was wheeled out, felt quite odd from the drugs/anesthetic, and more drugs were given to help me against chemo.
I started to lose my hair. It was kinda funny actually, in 3 weeks it was like one of those Hair restoration commercials. Only in reverse. If I got annoyed at someone, I ripped (painlessly) a chunk of hair out and threw it at them. Nasty, but entertaining.
So I became bald. I remember, and I truly thank them for this, Brent Rassmussen and Richard Carmack shaved their heads, just for fun and so I wouldn't look so out of place. That was an amazing gesture and I really am thankful.
I missed most of spring from school, because of chemo usually twice a week. Most of my teachers let me by, didn't even make me do homework. I wouldn't have done it anyways because I didn't feel like it. Saying," I HAVE CANCER GIMME A BREAK" was a pretty legit excuse to anything at that point.
So school ended. Summer started and I was still doing chemotherapy. I threw up a decent amount, usually I'd hide it from my parents because I wanted them to think I was fine. Multiple times a day, everyday. It was not fun.
Even the days I didn't have poisonous chemicals being pumped into me, I was always in a state of 1/2-sleep. I slept usually 18 hours a day, sometimes more. Walking was tiring. Even playing the computer, was tiring, and multiple times my mom found me sleeping on the keyboard. This was how I spent my summer.
At the hospital where I went I met a buncha cool guys. One of them was nicknamed Left-nut, cause he was 15 and that was the only one he had. He had it far worse than me. He had an addition tube that went up his dick. And it got pulled, from the yells I heard. I don't know what happened to him, but I really hope he survived.
I never thought I was going to die. I couldn't understand it. Sure everyone thinks about dying, but never in the way I thought. I was in danger of dying, and honestly I don't think I've ever felt that way any other time, in my entire life. I had a very good survival chance, we had caught it relatively early. I remember always thinking pre-cancer that cancer was a death sentence. Anytime I heard that someone got it, I thought they would never live. I was lucky to have 3:1 survival odds.
Another heartfelt thanks I have goes to Teo. We've known each other since 4th grade, and on frequent occasions, he came with me to the hospital. It couldn't have been fun, I can't imagine. We played Gin Rummy with my mom or played a bit of N64, until I either got dizzy from watching or tired and fell asleep. Thank you Teo, it definitely brightened my day. On days he wasn't there, I'd play cards with my mom, watch a movie for the 19 billionth time, because I was sleepy and didn't remember it. (ie- Waynes World)
So that's how the summer continued. Because of the steroids I was on to keep me goin, I got fat. It melted away after treatment, and actually more than I gained melted off. That's how I became as I am now. A bit tall, and...well not skinny. I'm not skinny, but built isn't right either. Anyways, during my treatment, I met a lot of people, with cancer, formerly with cancer, etc. Cool people. I don't know how many of them lived on. Maybe I don't want to know. A lot of them it would be painful to find out weren't as lucky as I was.
I was supposed to get out of chemotherapy late August. The chemo had worked, but not good enough. I had to go through another month. That month was way harder than all of the previous ones. I think my exhausted body was ready to be finished, and an extra month was just something it wasn't ready for.
In mid-september, I finished, started growing hair back, etc. And then I started radiation treatment, except it was everyday. So I had all 3, Surgery, Chemotherapy, and Radiation. Radiation was not bad at all. There really were no major side effects, bad feelings etc. Except I got thrush in my throat (hurt like crazy) and it destroyed my thyroid gland. So I have to take Thyroid supplements for the rest of my life. Otherwise I get quite tired.
So after I finally finished everything, (October 27th) I was in remission. That was an awesome feeling. I remember literally, I was dancing in the parking lot in late October when I was released for the last time. It felt great. It was a crisp cool Autumn afternoon.
I started remission, which meant 3/6/12 month updates, scans, tests, etc. Yes I was radioactive, setting the Geiger counter all the way off the charts, that was way cool. (I was injected with Gallium) I have gotten out of a lot of school for the tests. Now, as I start my junior year, they become rarer and rarer, because I will soon hit the 3-year mark. I had one today. Usually I have to go to the hospital all day for 2 days. Let me tell you. I don't know why, but going to the hospital all day drains you like you couldn't believe. I do tennis, hot sun, 90 degrees sometimes, humid, and that leaves me tired. But the hospital leaves you drained. You can recoup after an hour or so after hard tennis. Checkup days leave you exhausted all day. I don't know if its the needles (I can't count how many I've had, easily over 50 I'd say) or what, but it's tiring.
Cancer changed my thinking. Radically. I really thought about death, occasionally. But most of all, right now, I'm actually a bit happy cancer happened to me. One of the nurse-practitioners, JoAnne Belle-Isle, once told me that I would actually one day be glad I had cancer.
Maybe I am. Everytime I play tennis and nail the ball, every bite of PBJ (crunchy peanutbutter) sunset, everytime I hang out with my friends, I think I appreciate it far more, having had cancer. It really is a thrill to live, and despite Homework, and some other crummy things, it is awesome. Having had cancer, walking through the forest through brown leaves in the autumn is so awesome. Hot dog days in the summer are nice, you learn to appreciate them. I appreciate cold winter days, especially when there is a snow day and you find out right after you wake up, so you can curl back up. Spring is awesome too. Rain is beautiful, the thunderstorms I love running out in, the new life, the flowers, the blooming trees, all of it is awesome.
I don't say all of this to earn pity, because I don't want it. 3 years ago when I was miserable, maybe yes I wanted it then. But now, because of my experience with cancer, I want to literally live each day out to the fullest. I want to do everything, even if it means biking over to someones house in the cold weather. I love walking around in the autumn, and coming home to a warm house.
To close up, I want to thank all of my friends and family that helped me through cancer that I haven't mentioned. Especially my mom. I know it sounds kinda lame, but I spent so much time with her, playing cards or watching movies she hated. I'd be nearly done with a round of cards, and I'd lean over, tired, and fall asleep in my chair. My mom would calmly pick up the cards and just wait till I woke up.
Thank you to all that I knew in 7th-8th grade. To all I know now, too. If there is ever anything you want to do, go running for no reason, go biking on a path you've never done before, ask me, whether play Capture the Flag, go rolling down the hills at Northside (as me, drew, and JD used to do), or go rompin' through the woods. A lot of people I used to be good friends with I don't do anything with anymore, and that's really a bummer.
Well someday maybe I'll expand on some parts. I don't know. I like the random quote I read somewhere about a 55-year old General who had accomplished quite a bit. Someone asked him if he was going to write an autobiography.
He said," No, because only part of my life is up. I would be robbing the people who would buy it of half-of the story."
I went to Boston on break, and the tests came back negative. They were kinda surprised, and so they decided to run some CAT/CT scans, MRI, etc. I was supposed to talk to my doctor 2 weeks later if it hadn't gone away. It ended up being 6 weeks later that we called him. It wasn't because of neglect, my family was just very busy.
So I got the scans and my first surgery, a biopsy, and I remember I was out of school a decent bit, just for the scans. I remember my good friend JD let me borrow some games that I could play. I vividly remember one night, playing 007 with my brother, when my parents called me upstairs. They were obviously distressed. It only meant one thing, and I already knew, by the tone of their voice.
"I have cancer, don't I." I asked.
They were both a bit teary and nodded.
"Damnit." I responded. I didn't think about it, went downstairs, and kept on playing 007 with my brother.
Telling people at school was interesting. Most of them laughed and told me that telling people I had cancer was a really cruel joke. When my teacher's told them it was true, they didn't talk to me for a while.
I was out for quite a while, talking to a oncologist (cancer-doctor) about what the "plan of action" would be. First, I would get a broviac, a tube coming out of my chest that connected to the main artery/vein(?), the Aorta. I still have it.
I started chemotherapy literally, as soon as I was out of the OR. I was wheeled out, felt quite odd from the drugs/anesthetic, and more drugs were given to help me against chemo.
I started to lose my hair. It was kinda funny actually, in 3 weeks it was like one of those Hair restoration commercials. Only in reverse. If I got annoyed at someone, I ripped (painlessly) a chunk of hair out and threw it at them. Nasty, but entertaining.
So I became bald. I remember, and I truly thank them for this, Brent Rassmussen and Richard Carmack shaved their heads, just for fun and so I wouldn't look so out of place. That was an amazing gesture and I really am thankful.
I missed most of spring from school, because of chemo usually twice a week. Most of my teachers let me by, didn't even make me do homework. I wouldn't have done it anyways because I didn't feel like it. Saying," I HAVE CANCER GIMME A BREAK" was a pretty legit excuse to anything at that point.
So school ended. Summer started and I was still doing chemotherapy. I threw up a decent amount, usually I'd hide it from my parents because I wanted them to think I was fine. Multiple times a day, everyday. It was not fun.
Even the days I didn't have poisonous chemicals being pumped into me, I was always in a state of 1/2-sleep. I slept usually 18 hours a day, sometimes more. Walking was tiring. Even playing the computer, was tiring, and multiple times my mom found me sleeping on the keyboard. This was how I spent my summer.
At the hospital where I went I met a buncha cool guys. One of them was nicknamed Left-nut, cause he was 15 and that was the only one he had. He had it far worse than me. He had an addition tube that went up his dick. And it got pulled, from the yells I heard. I don't know what happened to him, but I really hope he survived.
I never thought I was going to die. I couldn't understand it. Sure everyone thinks about dying, but never in the way I thought. I was in danger of dying, and honestly I don't think I've ever felt that way any other time, in my entire life. I had a very good survival chance, we had caught it relatively early. I remember always thinking pre-cancer that cancer was a death sentence. Anytime I heard that someone got it, I thought they would never live. I was lucky to have 3:1 survival odds.
Another heartfelt thanks I have goes to Teo. We've known each other since 4th grade, and on frequent occasions, he came with me to the hospital. It couldn't have been fun, I can't imagine. We played Gin Rummy with my mom or played a bit of N64, until I either got dizzy from watching or tired and fell asleep. Thank you Teo, it definitely brightened my day. On days he wasn't there, I'd play cards with my mom, watch a movie for the 19 billionth time, because I was sleepy and didn't remember it. (ie- Waynes World)
So that's how the summer continued. Because of the steroids I was on to keep me goin, I got fat. It melted away after treatment, and actually more than I gained melted off. That's how I became as I am now. A bit tall, and...well not skinny. I'm not skinny, but built isn't right either. Anyways, during my treatment, I met a lot of people, with cancer, formerly with cancer, etc. Cool people. I don't know how many of them lived on. Maybe I don't want to know. A lot of them it would be painful to find out weren't as lucky as I was.
I was supposed to get out of chemotherapy late August. The chemo had worked, but not good enough. I had to go through another month. That month was way harder than all of the previous ones. I think my exhausted body was ready to be finished, and an extra month was just something it wasn't ready for.
In mid-september, I finished, started growing hair back, etc. And then I started radiation treatment, except it was everyday. So I had all 3, Surgery, Chemotherapy, and Radiation. Radiation was not bad at all. There really were no major side effects, bad feelings etc. Except I got thrush in my throat (hurt like crazy) and it destroyed my thyroid gland. So I have to take Thyroid supplements for the rest of my life. Otherwise I get quite tired.
So after I finally finished everything, (October 27th) I was in remission. That was an awesome feeling. I remember literally, I was dancing in the parking lot in late October when I was released for the last time. It felt great. It was a crisp cool Autumn afternoon.
I started remission, which meant 3/6/12 month updates, scans, tests, etc. Yes I was radioactive, setting the Geiger counter all the way off the charts, that was way cool. (I was injected with Gallium) I have gotten out of a lot of school for the tests. Now, as I start my junior year, they become rarer and rarer, because I will soon hit the 3-year mark. I had one today. Usually I have to go to the hospital all day for 2 days. Let me tell you. I don't know why, but going to the hospital all day drains you like you couldn't believe. I do tennis, hot sun, 90 degrees sometimes, humid, and that leaves me tired. But the hospital leaves you drained. You can recoup after an hour or so after hard tennis. Checkup days leave you exhausted all day. I don't know if its the needles (I can't count how many I've had, easily over 50 I'd say) or what, but it's tiring.
Cancer changed my thinking. Radically. I really thought about death, occasionally. But most of all, right now, I'm actually a bit happy cancer happened to me. One of the nurse-practitioners, JoAnne Belle-Isle, once told me that I would actually one day be glad I had cancer.
Maybe I am. Everytime I play tennis and nail the ball, every bite of PBJ (crunchy peanutbutter) sunset, everytime I hang out with my friends, I think I appreciate it far more, having had cancer. It really is a thrill to live, and despite Homework, and some other crummy things, it is awesome. Having had cancer, walking through the forest through brown leaves in the autumn is so awesome. Hot dog days in the summer are nice, you learn to appreciate them. I appreciate cold winter days, especially when there is a snow day and you find out right after you wake up, so you can curl back up. Spring is awesome too. Rain is beautiful, the thunderstorms I love running out in, the new life, the flowers, the blooming trees, all of it is awesome.
I don't say all of this to earn pity, because I don't want it. 3 years ago when I was miserable, maybe yes I wanted it then. But now, because of my experience with cancer, I want to literally live each day out to the fullest. I want to do everything, even if it means biking over to someones house in the cold weather. I love walking around in the autumn, and coming home to a warm house.
To close up, I want to thank all of my friends and family that helped me through cancer that I haven't mentioned. Especially my mom. I know it sounds kinda lame, but I spent so much time with her, playing cards or watching movies she hated. I'd be nearly done with a round of cards, and I'd lean over, tired, and fall asleep in my chair. My mom would calmly pick up the cards and just wait till I woke up.
Thank you to all that I knew in 7th-8th grade. To all I know now, too. If there is ever anything you want to do, go running for no reason, go biking on a path you've never done before, ask me, whether play Capture the Flag, go rolling down the hills at Northside (as me, drew, and JD used to do), or go rompin' through the woods. A lot of people I used to be good friends with I don't do anything with anymore, and that's really a bummer.
Well someday maybe I'll expand on some parts. I don't know. I like the random quote I read somewhere about a 55-year old General who had accomplished quite a bit. Someone asked him if he was going to write an autobiography.
He said," No, because only part of my life is up. I would be robbing the people who would buy it of half-of the story."
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